Healing

Healing always takes way too long. it’s boring, not very exciting or fun.

i’ve always had issues with my back. when i was 18 i had a slipped disc in my back. not fun at all. from countless, massages, adjustments, therapies, stretches, and exercises…i threw out my back again. This time it was the most painful and scary. I threw out my back 3 tuesdays ago, 3 days before i had to speak at a jr. high retreat in the mountains. on that wednesday, i was stretching my back by laying on the ground and my baby girl started to cry, she had woken up from her nap. it took me more than 5 min to figure out the right angle and way to get up without my back locking up or without passing out from sheer pain. that was the scary part, not being able to get to my daughter right away, good thing she just woke up from her nap and not anything serious.

so frustation is constant with pain, especially back pain, because it’s everything, sitting, standing, sleeping, it all sucks. there’s NO comfortable position, no breaks.

it’s been slow going, my back is getting better, as in no pain level black out but manageable amounts of pain, but just really sore back, still the frustration grows.

i’m learning to trust God. to sit in the silence. to not just scroll thru my phone mindlessly to ignore the pain, but to perhaps moving to embrace it just a little. one of my painful realization is that, i’m 31 now, i’ve been dealing w/ back pain and seeing specialist for more than 13 years. that’s a long time, this may always be a tension in my life. i’m going to continue to rehab, get healthier, work out. but dealing with healing and pain will be a life long thing.

to all in pain. hang in there. it’s gonna get better, not necessarily no more pain but it’s not going to define you. don’t let circumstances dictate your identity/reality.